The biggest form of celebration during Christmas seems to be gift-giving. Usually gifts placed under the Christmas tree are special. Plans for a gift may have started months earlier, money was saved and anticipating the person opening the gift is an enjoyable vision in your mind’s eye.

During grief the gift giving experience may not be enjoyable. You may not have the energy for giving or receiving gifts. The concept of exchanging gifts might seem meaningless from your broken heart point of view. One of the special people you have been exchanging gifts with may be the loved one who has died.

The tradition of giving and receiving gifts is based in love. Giving and receiving have equal value. The gracious loving acceptance of a gift is a “gift” back to the giver. The good feelings of giving a gift are from the joy the recipient of the gift expresses.

Originating from the teachings of Jesus Christ, who taught the power of love in our hearts, Christmas is indeed an occasion to give and receive love through the process of gift-giving.

I want to gift you with a True Pearl of healing wisdom for grief. It is about creativity and healing. In the next paragraphs I’m going to ask you to tap into your creative self and encourage you to participate in the gift giving of Christmas.

A True Pearl:

Accessing your inherent creativity will be essential to your healthy and productive experience of grief.

When you get in touch with your creative self you are naturally open to healing. Being creative while attending to any aspect of grief is a magical healing experience that defies explanation. The healing often occurs without conscious knowing.

Have faith and trust what I am suggesting will help you work through any sadness you are feeling now.

It is easy and fun to bring creativity into gift wrapping. Purchasing wrapping paper (for any occasion) is a creative experience. As you decide which to buy you are looking and sensing which is most pleasing to you, looks good and is attractive.

Choose a gift/s you will be giving this Christmas. It could be a gift to your loved one who has passed or to someone else you love. Or it can be a gift to yourself.

You will think of ways to be creative with the wrapping of this gift/s. Here are some suggestions to get you started:

* Select a wrapping paper you already have or go shopping and choose a paper that attracts you. Turn it over and see how much of the design is imprinted on the back.

After deciding which side to work with begin by outlining certain objects or adding a different color to parts of the design. Paste on objects or designs you have cut from other wrapping papers or magazines. Use felt tip pens or colored pencils to fill in certain places or to write words. Attach holiday stickers and/or use spray adhesive and glitter.

You will feel and sense when you are finished. You may have added a little or a lot to the original wrapping paper. Either is perfectly fine.

In this creative effort the look of the result is not important so no judgment is allowed. You are working from your heart with love and you will feel the beauty of your creation.

* Make your own wrapping paper. Get a piece of kraft, butcher or drawing paper to decorate. Use rubber stamps, stencils or pictures cut from magazines or commercial wrapping paper. Use colored pencils, felt tip pens or craypas to add color or write words. Make a rubbing of an object with an interesting texture and/or use stickers.

You may use symbols associated with the Christmas season or symbols that have meaning to the recipient (or to you). When you feel and sense this original wrapping paper is finished then it is. Again, in this creative effort the look of the result is not important so no judgment is allowed. You are working from your heart with love and you will feel the beauty of your creation.

* Wrap the gift and finish with the perfect bow. Get a selection of pre-tied bows or ribbon in a variety of colors. First choose the color of bow or ribbon that seems logical to you. Lay it on the package, take a look and notice how you feel. Next pick a bow or ribbon in a color you think is the worst possible choice and lay it on the package, take a look and feel.

Continue in this way using different ways of choosing a bow/ribbon: with your eyes closed, your favorite color, the color most or least appearing in your wrapping paper and etc.

After awhile your creative self will let you know which is the perfect bow/s or ribbon/s for your specially wrapped package. You may or may not even present the gift you have just wrapped. What is very important here is that you allowed yourself a conscious creative experience.

I wish you the most joyful, creative and healing Christmas possible.

Sincerely sending you Peace & Love,

Tricia

PS The holidays I am addressing include the American holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. These holidays are in my tradition & experience and I can honestly write about them.

Certainly I honor the holiday traditions of other cultures but am not able to authentically write about them relative to grief. Perhaps YOU can and will use the Comments function at the end of this post to share your knowledge and insights?
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Thanksgiving is right around the corner. The holiday that focuses on giving thanks. The holiday that encourages the loving gathering of family. The holiday that you, while grieving the death of a loved one, might want to avoid.

It is natural for a person in grief to feel anger (even extra anger) during the holidays. Anger at the media and retail industry for constantly promoting the wondrous nature of the holiday season. Anger at all the people walking around dressed in the colors and symbols of the holidays. Even anger at yourself for not being able to “snap out of it” and get into the holiday spirit.

You are grieving the loss of your loved one, trying to manage anger, fit in socially and maintain a level of self love and acceptance on a one-day-at-a-time schedule. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and you might be wondering what do I have to be thankful for this year? Giving thanks and gratitude might seem like crazy concepts.

What you were thankful for last year probably doesn’t have the same meaning for you this year. You are becoming a different person because of the death of your loved one, even if you don’t realize all your changes yet. Your priorities are rearranging, your awareness of the preciousness of time has grown and your sense of the power of love is heightened.

You are a wiser person than you were before, even if you don’t feel so quite yet. Perhaps this is the first thing you could give thanks for this year? Try this on for size — I am thankful that I am becoming a wiser person. How do you feel reading this thanks-giving statement? Say it out loud please. How do you feel speaking this thanks-giving statement? If it doesn’t feel quite right try this — Even though I am really sad this year, I am grateful to be growing into a wiser person.

The healing power of giving thanks and expressing gratitude is strong. Many people have experienced this strong healing power and you, I’m certain, are aware of the concept of gratitude journals. Right now, in your grief and at the time of the American holiday of Thanksgiving, could be the perfect time for you to begin giving thanks as a griever.

I encourage you to take pen or pencil to paper and begin a list of things you can truly be thankful for, even though your loved one isn’t physically here, you are sad and your life may be in upheaval. Reasons to be thankful may not be obvious right now but they are present. You can find some.

Start by looking for things to be thankful for that are directly related to your loved one’s life in general or their life specific to you. I am thankful that my dad taught me how to play baseball, or I am grateful my grandmother was recognized as Volunteer of the Year. She was so happy at the awards dinner.

Next look for things you can be grateful for concerning their death. I am so thankful that my brother Tom got home to have quality time with mom before she died, or I give thanks for the wonderful people at hospice who gave beautiful and loving care to Aunt Jane. The music was so glorious at mom’s funeral and I’m so thankful for that, or I’m thankful for all the sympathy cards we received. Reading them over again has been comforting.

Now look for things to give thanks for relating to positive changes in your life and/or your family. I am thankful now that I’m not crying in the middle of the night, or I am so grateful that every family member will be at mom’s house this Thanksgiving.

Finally, find things to be thankful for that are outside of you. I am thankful that the sun shines on my neighbor’s garden, or I am grateful that so many people worldwide are praying for peace on Earth every day, or I give thanks for the people who learn how and practice dancing so I can enjoy holiday musicals.

I humbly offer these thanks-giving possibilities to you. Of course, you will use your own language and style of writing/speaking as you find reasons to be thankful specific to your life right now. If you will be more comfortable, use a preface statement like Even though I am sad (mad, afraid, devastated) I am thankful that. . .

It is OK if you only have a few thanks-giving-things on your list. It is OK if tears are staining your list. It is OK to keep your thanks-giving list private or you may decide to share it with someone.

I wish you a happy thanks-giving-day.

Sincerely sending Peace & Love,

Tricia

PS I can’t leave without reminding you that “snapping out of it” (paragraph two) is never required or necessarily recommended during grief. I prefer to encourage you to respect yourself by experiencing your feelings when they come up. Particular emotions usually won’t show up unless you’re ready to feel them.

The holidays I am addressing include the American holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. These holidays are in my tradition & experience and I can honestly write about them.

Certainly I honor the holiday traditions of other cultures but am not able to authentically write about them relative to grief. Perhaps YOU can and will use the Comments function at the end of this post to share your knowledge and insights?

As this holiday season approaches you may have a heavy heart since it may be the first time you celebrate the holidays without your loved one.

As you know, any day can be emotionally challenging during grief. For most of us, though, the holidays are different from any days because they focus so intently on togetherness, love, family, goodness and joy. Any of these are sensitive issues during grief.

The holidays also seem to come with expectations involving traveling, shopping, cooking, greeting cards, decorating, dressing up, parties, extra church activities and etc. Any of these activities could require more energy than a griever can access.

“How will I survive the holidays this year?” is a question in the minds and hearts of many during their grief right now. The answer I offer is to make a plan for the specific approaching holiday. The previous post, Planning for the Holidays during Grief, gives info about the how, why and what of greeting a holiday with a plan. The primary benefit of having a plan is that you won’t be unnecessarily overwhelmed on the holiday.

Sometimes the plan is to keep all your holiday traditions intact. Sometimes the plan is to make changes in holiday traditions. Changes you make this holiday season won’t automatically become new traditions.

For those of you who are interested in making changes to your holiday activities, below are some possibilities. These are merely ideas intended to get you started thinking about changes comfortable for you and/or your family.

* have your holiday meal at a different home
* have your holiday meal at a different time
* have your holiday meal at a restaurant
* change the menu for your holiday meal
* re-arrange the usual seating plan for the meal
* invite new people to share in your holiday meal
* change the “dress code” for your holiday meal
* attend a church service related to the holiday
* help serve a holiday meal at a shelter
* decide not to exchange gifts this year
* collect the money that would have been spent on gifts & donate to charity
* collect the money that would have been spent on gifts & buy toys for a children’s group
* put up a different type and/or size Christmas tree
* use different decorations & lights on the Christmas tree
* initiate or join a holiday caroling group
* decide not to send greeting cards this year
* decide to send greeting cards this year
* play different renditions of your favorite carols
* discover a new Christmas carol to share
* travel to a vacation spot for the holiday
* sleep through new year’s eve
* stay up to see the new year’s eve “ball drop”
* don’t make a list of new year’s resolutions

Please share any ideas you have for making changes to your holiday traditions in the Comments part of this post. Your ideas and feelings can be really helpful to another in their journey through the holidays.

Sincerely sending you Peace & Love,

Tricia

The holiday season I am addressing includes the American holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. These holidays are in my tradition & experience and I can honestly write about them.

The holidays can be an especially painful time for people whose loved one has died. Even the approach of the holiday season can bring a grieving person worry and concern.

Not only are grievers affected the first year after their loss, but strong feelings can come up for many subsequent years. Indeed, many peoples’ hearts will be saddened during the holidays for the rest of their lives. If the death of your loved one happened close to or on one of these holidays your experience of the holiday may not ever be easy.

For many of us the holidays are a time of family gatherings filled with love, tradition and ritual. You know, since your loved one will not be physically present, this holiday season will be different than any before.

The commercial aspect of the holidays is a factor in grief. Stores, our neighborhoods, the workplace, television, and magazines focus us on the holidays even if we try not to be aware of the time of year. Churches put emphasis on the holiday season for spiritual significance as well as to build community. The message conveyed is the holiday season is a time of laughter, joy, love and warmth.

Feeling overwhelmed by the approaching holiday season is an experience shared by many in their process of grief. However, you deserve to eventually celebrate the holidays again in a way that is meaningful to you. This goal is possible to achieve if you choose it.

Making a plan for Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve & Day and New Year’s Eve & Day is key to experiencing some laughter, feeling some joy, sharing love and feeling the warmth of the holiday season. Your plan, of course, can have space for sadness and tears. Your experience of Thanksgiving can affect what you plan for Christmas, and your experience of Christmas will probably influence your plan for New Years.

Perhaps not everyone involved will be in agreement about the plan for the holidays. Compromises can be made or individuals can choose to proceed in a way that is good for them.

Even if you don’t follow your plan exactly, having felt/thought through and prepared your plan will get you to a place of personal strength. From this space of strength you will be able to navigate through the emotionally charged holidays reasonably well or better.

Waking up the morning of the holiday unprepared will leave you in a space of weakness and your day could then be filled with extra upset and sadness that could have been avoided.

Some families/people are comforted by keeping traditions as they always have been. The death of their loved one brought a huge unwelcome change into their lives and making more changes is simply not OK. Thus, the “plan” that feels right for these people/families is to follow holiday plans as they have been before. After taking some time to talk and feel it through, you and your family may plan not to make any changes.

Other families want to do something different for their holidays in the year/s following the death of their loved one. They talk it over, feel it through and decide making some changes will help them celebrate the holiday as comfortably as possible. Although new traditions are not set in one year, making significant changes is leading in that direction and brings comfort.

As the holidays approach I encourage you to begin making advance plans. Being proactive at this time will serve you well. If you decide to make changes to previous years’ holiday traditions, watch for the next post as it will contain some possibilities for you.

Also upcoming are posts about emotional challenges specific to the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.

Sincerely sending you Peace & Love,

Tricia

Last week the aunt of a dear friend passed away. Although I never had the privilege of meeting her, I had been hearing about titi Zaida for the last few years. She was suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, a fact that caused much sadness for her family. Zaida’s devoted husband, Ruben, lovingly cared for her as she slowly and surely parted from him emotionally.

In the final six months of her life three of her nieces, Wila, Becky and Ana, began providing her personal care. Their loving care gave Ruben needed respite and allowed him more opportunity to just be with his beloved wife.

The three nieces felt blessed and honored to care for their aunt and, of course, their relationship with her deepened. They were with her at the moment of death.

In her grief, niece Ana, wrote a poem to honor titi Zaida. With much emotion in her heart and voice she read the poem during the funeral Mass. With permission, Zaida’s poem by Ana Puig is shared with you here:

In Morpheus’ arms you dozed
Your eyes sleepy and cloudy
Said farewell to life bit by bit
And we, keeping watch upon your breaths,
Tired and sad, remembered…
“Reinita” deep in the country, little morning star
Inspiration of my dreams, model of my education
You were bridge, path, refuge, water, nourishment, and dwelling
Bearer of colors, brush strokes of hope
Enterprising artist soul, kind, tender, wise…
How do you say goodbye to a woman like Zaida…?
You left us bit by bit, in sighs and daydreams
The vacant space you left, only your light can fill
That little moonbeam your smile spilled
In the vigil of love this past week
Sleep mocked me by night and at the dawn
In the shadows and the silence, as you ebbed away
The footprints of your memory danced in my remembrance
We give thanks to God for having known you
With your generosity you conquered our souls
The memory of your love shelters us and hugs us from the heavens you now walk…
What else can I tell you my blood hasn’t already…?
That I love you that I miss you that my heart breaks…?
That I hope to see you again when my hour comes
That my God blesses you; that your soul rest in peace…

Both Ana and I hope this poem brings you comfort as you grieve for your loved one. We also hope it inspires you to express your feelings of grief and loss in a poem.

You are not a poet you say? You are not a writer you say?

I say, you are a human being with a broken heart and right now you have strong feelings.

Begin by putting pen or pencil to paper and writing a few words that describe your feelings of loss. Then write a few words describing your loved one’s life (or their death). Write down some of your favorite words next. Then you might want to organize all these words into a paragraph or letter to your loved one (or another person in your life). You might next be inspired to write a story describing an event in life with your loved one.

Perhaps now you take a line or two from here and there in your writings and place each on a line of its own.

You have written a poem! How do you feel? You have connected with your creativity and I am so proud of you!

Do not worry about spelling, punctuation, grammar, style or your assessment of the quality of your writings and your poem. You have written from your heart expressing feelings and sorrow (professional writers tell us writing from the heart is the most important part).

Sharing your poem with others isn’t necessary and wasn’t the point of my encouragement for you to compose it. But if you decide to share your poem, will you share it here in the Comments for this post? I say, please and thank you.

Sincerely sending you Peace & Love,

Tricia

PS Ana’s Zaida-Poem was originally composed in Spanish. You can access the original Spanish version here.

Sometimes we hear or read a message in our bereavement and immediately understand as the message ‘clicks’ within us. At other times we hear or read the same message and it goes in one ear and out the other. There are two major reasons we are, at times, able to grasp a message during grief while at other times aren’t able to internalize its wisdom.

The first reason has to do with timing. At a particular moment in time the content of a message won’t be appropriate for your growth through grief and your unconscious protects and prevents you from hearing it. Conversely, at the right time, the message will be exactly what you need to hear and you will immediately let it in and begin to apply the information to your life. It will be like an emotional hunger satisfied with healthy food.

The second reason is about the language and flavor of the message. This has to do with the vocabulary chosen by the author of a message and how he/she uses the words to communicate. We all have a preferred manner of using words in talking, writing and also in listening.

When the style of a written message is more similar to the reader’s style of listening, then the possibility for understanding and internalization is higher. So the words being used and the style of the writing in a message of bereavement support (or any kind of message) can influence whether or not and how much you open up to the message.

I always send (and re-send) the message to grievers about tears and the healing importance of allowing yourself to cry. I offer it again, now, from different authors with their unique word choices and style of writing. This message is part of a meditation-of-the-day service offered by a wonderful and thoughtful Native American site, White Bison, and used with permission.

Elder’s Meditation of the Day - September 30, 2007

“Grandfather, if I need to cry, let me realize it’s a natural process and help me to let go.”

It is OK, necessary and sometimes scary for both men and women to cry during grief. I encourage your courage and the tearful expression of your sorrow.

Sincerely sending you Peace & Love,

Tricia

A True Pearl:
You will probably make new friends during your process of grief. Be open to this.

Having a new friend brings good and positive energy into your life.

The thought of having a new friend may seem much too tiring right now. You may not be sleeping as well as usual and are exhausted both physically and emotionally. You may feel you don’t even have enough energy for yourself, your family and the friends you currently have.

I encourage you to remember a time in the past when you found a new friend. Do you remember the fun and excitement of having this new friend? A new friend brings new energy into your life, can raise self-confidence and warm your heart with smiles and joy.

You may meet a new friend in a grief support group. Grief group members share a common (yet personally unique) pain and challenge in life. Through the honest emotional group sharing, people get to know one another more quickly and in more depth than happens outside of grief. Such friendships are special gifts.

Or your new friend might be:

* someone you encountered at the bookstore in the grief support, spiritual or self-help section
* the delivery person who brought flowers to you and your family
* the mail carrier delivering the many condolence cards
* someone from your school or job you never noticed before but who also experienced a loss
* a member of the church choir singing at your loved one’s funeral service
* a friend or associate of your loved one whom you had not met before
* a neighbor bringing food for you and your family

Remember death changes you. You may now attract different and new types of people. The experience of death and grief changes you by broadening your thoughts, giving you new ideas about the world and re-arranging your priorities. Friends are excellent mirrors for one another as they each grow and change.

Be open to the possibility of gaining a new friend.

Sincerely sending you Peace & Love,

Tricia

A few months ago I discovered a website filled with beauty & love and offering peace.

Finding peace of mind or regaining peace in the family might be goals for some in grief. Love for the person who has died is the reason for the intense pain in grief. Fearing you will never love or be loved again is part of many grief experiences.

Recognizing the beauty that is always surrounding us is a task important to the grief healing process.

Flowers Photo Gallery from Japan is the site of photographer Ikeda,Shoji. These beautiful photographs show flowers in blossom and bloom. The quality and presentation of these images shows me the photographer’s love of nature and color. The great variety in the images tells of an appreciation for the natural process of growth and change.

What strikes me the most, however, is this artist’s love for people.

This photo gallery website originated in 1999 in the native language of the photographer, Japanese. Two years later, in 2001, it was translated into English. It is in the translation of the Japanese words and sentences into English that, for me, great love emanates from this artist and website.

The website visitors are welcomed by the photographer to “my flower photo galleries”. Then this message is offered; “They give you the peace of mind”. For me the slight translation error into less-than-perfect English gives the message more authenticity and makes it more dear. I feel more connected to the photographer and the images become more colorful, animated and beautiful.

As a visitor to the site you have the opportunity to “Send a Free Flowers Photo e-Card to Someone You Love”. On this page this sentiment is offered; “Peacefulness is given to you and your recipient heart”. Again, for me, the slight translation error adds more meaning to the already heartfelt message. I definitely feel the beauty, love and peace here.

I encourage you to join the over 800 thousand people who have been drawn to this website. Feel and enjoy the beauty of the flowers and their color in this moment of your grief. Open your grieving heart to the love you feel and see in the images.

Accept the peace of mind that is so humbly offered you. Accept the peacefulness that is given to your heart.

Sincerely sending you Peace & Love,

Tricia

A big worry for some grievers can be summarized in the questions “who am I without my loved one”, “what will my life be like without my loved one” and “how will I change now that my loved one has died”? It’s possible that any one person’s answers to these questions will change a time or two during grief.

As your grief process progresses your thinking will become more clear & refined and you may find yourself changing your mind often. This is one of the reasons it isn’t necessarily a good idea to make big decisions or big changes during grief. Grief is, however, a great time and space to research and consider possibilities.

Right now may or may not be the best time for you to research or consider future possibilities. Currently you may need absolutely all of your energy to survive one day at a time. If so, reserve your energy for living now. You can return here when you are more ready to approach your future.

The Internet is a marvelous resource for researching and considering all sorts of possibilities for your future. So many wonderful & knowledgeable people communicate with one another via the Internet to share what works in their lives, what they have learned to improve their own life and how the lives of others might become better. Specifically, there is a group of blog/site owners whose mission is to share and help other people in the area of personal development. A list of these blogs and sites relative to personal growth has been compiled for you.

The Personal Development List may have some important information and ideas for you. As you look over this very long list, let yourself be drawn to particular entries. You may be attracted to an entry because it uses words you understand or your intuition may lead you to click on a site/blog describing a concept totally new to you. Open your mind and heart to spend a few minutes or a few hours considering possibilities.

Sincerely sending you Peace & Love,

Tricia

We all have times in our lives when we do or say something we consider unforgivable. At those times we probably are filled with guilt and regret. When we become uncomfortable enough we most likely go to the person, apologize and ask for forgiveness.

Also, we all have times in our lives when we deem the actions and words of others as unforgivable. As you mourn the loss of your loved one, you can feel especially vulnerable and your emotions can be fragile. During grief many things might happen to upset you, hurt your feelings and make you angry. Some of these things are seemingly impossible to forgive.

When you are unforgiving of another you may think you are getting back at or hurting that person as they have hurt you. You may hope to feel better because, at least, you think you have balanced the situation. The truth is, though, you are only harming yourself by choosing to be unforgiving. As you harbor resentment, revenge or anger you have less light and color around you. Your natural sparkle and shine are dimmed.

Forgiveness is a necessary part in the process of grieving your loved one. When you are ready, you will want to forgive the person/s who hurt you. You owe it to yourself and, especially now as you are grieving, you deserve and need the relief.

Do you remember the relief you felt when you were forgiven? The relief you will feel when you forgive will be at least that much and probably more. You’ll have your light and color back.

Everyone has experience with the challenge of forgiving and, for many of us, the act of forgiving is not easy. We may need help.

With Forgiveness is a wonderful place on the Internet devoted to helping all of us forgive more easily. The site is owned by two professional women, Sheri and Susyn, who provide specific techniques and practices to help people learn forgiveness. A newsletter, emails and teleclasses are also offered.

Through this forgiveness site almost eight thousand people all over the world have been assisted to:

* Move past pain, hurt and internal suffering,
* Recognize your divine nature,
* Develop greater respect for those different from you,
* Transcend selfishness and embrace generosity,
* Change the way you envision yourself and
* Cultivate a deep sense of self-love, self-esteem and self-respect.

Take action in caring for yourself by taking the time to visit this jewel of the Internet. Take action in caring for YOU by forgiving yourself.

Sincerely sending you Peace & Love,

Tricia